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So I have not written becuase I have been hiding living the
shell of my former self, crouched in the corner of my dark mind. How doe s one gat this way? How can we slip up like this? I am sure that no drug addict starts out one
day and says, “I am going to be a junkie!”
It is gradual and over the course of the past two years I have been
making shallow compromises with my faith and my integrity…
I was talking with a friend of mine a little wile back and
she put it this way, “It is as if we are living on ‘Day-old Bread’ when we are
surrounded by people who get their bread daily…” One cannot live a healthy life on “Day-old
bread.” Relying only on past lessons
and past knowledge to get them through; yes, learning from our past is
important, but I am talking about what happens when our faith goes
stagnant.
Being comfortable with where we are at, not wanting to grow
or reach out for what God has intended for us.
Yes that was the point I have come to…
Emptiness, I let my mind rule my heart and I drowned out the Holy
Spirits calling in my life. I would not
take time to grown in fellowship with my Creator. It is no wonder my life has not been bearing
the fruit it used to [Father forgive me… I am unworthy to be called your son].
While I know there is nothing I can do to gain salvation and
there is not way to make Him love me more.
I sure found ways to break His heart, disobey, and outright sin- telling
Him my ways were better. I have been
living a life of unchecked sin, being unrepentant, and stubborn. This is all coming from a former zealot
willing to die for his faith just two short years ago. Now I am a cowering fool living for things
that are wise in my own eyes caught up in sin.
I work fulltime for a Non-Profit Christian Business that
employs some of the most talented people I know. Yet still even there I fall into
complacency. I got wrapped up in 70 hr.
work weeks, meetings, and deadlines. I
did not take time for my Creator I was doing man’s work not His work. The worst part is I wrote it off ass if it
were God’s, thus excusing me from pushing myself spiritually. As such almost every area of my life has
suffered.
I am now on Spring Break and all of these thoughts have come
rushing down like a flood I can’t contain them.
While I have checked-out my heart has hardened. So much so that when I was asked to share the
Love of Christ to some brothers and sisters in need of him I almost said
no. No wanting to get dirty for Christ-
unwilling to be His hands. Fortunately
the Holy-Sprit stepped in and said, “Yes!” for me.
I went yesterday to bless several Burmese Refugees who just
recently found them selves in America
with almost nothing but the clothes on their backs. How foolish was I? There was nothing I could do; God used them to
melt my hard heart and return me to moldable clay. I was touched so greatly by them and I have
not stopped thinking about their meeting ever since. Father forgive me!
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